I forgot to take my medication this morning. I went through a whole day of work without them in my system. I felt like a haze was in my mind. All my senses were battering my brain. They all think they are the most important. They all want my attention and none of them want to sit in the background.

“Did you hear that dog?” “Did you see that light flicker?” “Did you hear feel that itch on your leg?” “Did you hear the conversation outside? They seem to be leading into coming into your office and getting you for help. It would probably be best to start finding a stopping point on that computer you are working on so you can help them outside. The chance that they come and get you for help has jumped from a 20% to a 50%.” All of my senses are trying to get me to remember that they exist and they need my full attention. Meanwhile, I am mentally curled into a fetal position in the back of my mind space, hoping for something to change where I don’t constantly get berated with updates from all of my input devices.

At the early point of the day, I didn’t realize that I had forgotten to take my meds. I just figured things were extra bad today. I figured that my recent thoughts of moving ot a new job made the day feel worse than it actually was.

I instinctively reach for the coffee pot and set it up to slowly drip a pot. That felt good enough that I found myself downing the 5 cup pot of coffee by myself and making another to subsequently finish off by myself after lunch. I didn’t realize that I was drinking so much coffee until I realized I found myself wanting more and I took stock of how much I had already. I switch to decaf to trick my brain to thinking that it got what it wanted. Why did I want so much coffee?

In case you are unaware, people with issues regarding their “executive function” ability don’t always get “jacked up” from coffee or caffeine in the same way that their neurotypical peers would. For me, it serves as a calming way to get me to focus on one thing and make progress with it instead of being overwhelmed with the weight of input coming from all angles.

The haze starts to really show itself whenever I get in the car and head home. I realized that I forgot to take my meds an hour before work was over and I am trying to keep things basic until I get home. I put on some familiar music and start the drive home. On the road back, I meet up with my mom and sister. They are both in separate cars and the chances that we all meet up on the way home are pretty slim. It was a little parade of family members on the road home. I thought it was cool but I realized I only thought it was cool from a probability perspective. Not an emotional or happy way. I was numb. That is what happens whenever I forget the meds. Everything hits so hard that by the end of the day, everything feels numb. All input is a blur of static in my head. I become a robot.

I take my meds whenever I get home and eat a sandwich to make sure that the meds don’t sit on an empty stomach (for some reason, it’s not good to take the meds without food). Half an hour later and my heart is racing and my haze starts to clear. My ability to have emotions seems to be coming back. I’m passionate about things again and I get on my computer and type this out to express it.

I wish that this didn’t happen. I wish that the world could be more constant. When I was a kid, things were easier because the amount of things I had to care about at one time was significantly less. All my cares and worries were almost fully contained at school and when I left, I could fully unwind. Now bills, longer hours, and the need to do something with my life make sure that I never relax and can never turn the overwhelming nature of life out.

I feel like a slave to the system. I wish I could get out and experience the world around me but I feel trapped in a revolving door. I can see the world around me but I can’t interact with it. I can just wave at the people walking past on the street as they experience the miracle of life. I guess if everyone was super, no one would be.

Sorry for the topic bouncing back and forth without keeping a strong narrative thread. I just needed to get this stuff out of my system. Thanks for listening. I’m autistic by the way. That is the experience that is described in the first half. Not many autistic adults can find it in them to relive their experiences after a long fought day. I figured I would help neurotypicals understand what it is like if I can.